Dear Diary : Keep Calm and MOVE on!

Some of the things I have had to go through this past year with sick family members, moving multiple states away, starting a new job and trying to live without the people that mean the world to me has been an unreal experience. I’ve been through some of my lowest feelings and felt at times that my world was crumbling under my feet and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

I've had conversations with girls at work that are currently studying outside of their home state. They seem calm and collected. They have fun on the weekends and are completely content calling their mother once a week if not some time during the month. I feel that I have no choice but to overshare my feelings in hopes to get sympathy or for someone to even relate to me. I wear my heart on on my sleeve and my heart is full of home. Full of friends, family and WHAT IFs. I don't struggle to make new friends but this seems like a VERY long vacation that I'm mentally and physically exhausted from and can't wait to go back home.

It's hard to express the feeling I have when I even speak on this topic. My throat feels tight and my stomach is as if a black hole is rapidly sucking my insides away. My eyes feel heavy and my head feels light and sickened. I feel my flight or fight response kicking in and that amygdala portion of the brain is ignoring my cerebral cortex (reasoning and emotions) like they just broke up. This rush of emotion is so intense and even knowing that we will be moving home in this year is so upsetting for absolutely no reason. That's what I've wanted this entire time was to go home so why am I feeling so broken?

I've done so many things to make this work half the time but I've also let my emotions get the best of me the rest. It's such a constant battle because every single minor inconvenience sends me right into a war in my mind. I have a hard time being alone but I also need a good decompression time once a day. I hate making outside plans with coworkers because I know that when the day comes I will get those same overwhelming feelings again and those feelings are enough to make me refuse to go all together. I have the option to take Koda for walks every day after work and all weekend. I get that same feeling again thinking of her pulling the leash, lunging at bikes, barking at kids or getting scared of noises that I genuinely choose not to go "just in case". The guilt of not exercising my dog feels just as bad. I used to love going out by myself and window shopping. Choosing my next decor piece or trying on cute clothes. I'm so afraid of doing anything alone because it feels pointless for me now.

I feel like even though I've made this such a rollercoaster of emotios for myself, I always find something to hyper focus on almost like a distraction. Wishy-washy is the perfect term for my mind. By the end of this blog I have gone through every single emotion possible. Luckily we are ending on a high note. I've learned so much about myself with this move. I seem to know a little bit more about what I want in life and what is also best for me. I started taking my health and relationships more seriously and even though I may have added a couple NEW fears to my life, I've gotten rid of a few that have had a choke hold on me previously. I've become more confident and comfortable in a lot of things and it almost feels like I've overcome a small trauma. At least that is how my body reacted.

It's so extremely hard for some people to do what I have done. To give up your entire life, education, career search, friends, family and more to move states away for your (at the time fiancé) husband's career. I'm beyond proud of myself for loving someone so much and to put their needs first. I am even more proud that we stuck together through the ups and downs. Some days are hard on us both and we might struggle to communicate but as I sit here there is not one thing in mind that shows we aren't capable. We are so much stronger and so deep in love.

Moving back home this year is going to test us all over again. It seems easy for outsiders to say "this is what you wanted, you will be happy again" but the realist in me says "there is so much to come" good and bad. We have to find a place to live, storage for our doubled in size furniture, transportation, a new career for me, and a lot of mental breakdowns in between. I wish I could be fully excited but I currently love my job and my home. I feel at peace finally and it crushes me to know I've gone through all of those lonely nights in the hotel sobbing just to turn back. I don't want to feel guilty but I have that girl inside me still and she was HURT. She felt that life without the ones she loves is not a life worth anything. She overcame that feeling after months but it doesn't go away for good.

I'm ready to take it day by day. I get a good mix of anxious yet excitment when we talk about our new apartment. There is something about living in our first apartment again that sparks a light in my eye. I remember feeling alive and healthy, young and hopeful when we lived there that I hope to feel again. We aren't starting over from the beginning but we are starting a new chapter in our life. We haven't lived in Ohio as a married couple yet. We plan to live in our apartment, start a new career, save up for a house again, and begin talking about starting a family. A family where we can grow with our friends and family by our sides and not states away and THAT... is what I live for.